


Hold to Heal Your Partner

by OnlySlightlySane



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: AU-ish?, Character Development, Depression, Exploring Relationships, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Marital Problems, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Game, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, Substance Abuse, Violence, WIP, Work In Progress, a lot of sadness, attempted suicide, basically screw cannon facts, connelly is alive because he is an angel, serious stories about serious issues?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-09 22:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4366574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlySlightlySane/pseuds/OnlySlightlySane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events that took place at Beacon Mental hospital, Sebastian and Joseph have a long road of recovery ahead of them. But this road isn't paved, and as both men are going to find out: Falling off is an easy task. But it's by walking this road that the two of them will come to terms with their lives as individuals, and as partners.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Late Night Calls

**Author's Note:**

> So this story is probably going to get stuck in Development Hell just like any other multi-chapter story I've ever attempted, but I feel fairly confident that this one will get finished before I hit thirty? Anyway, this is one of my more serious stories that I've spent a lot of time with development, interaction, and just... Emotions I guess? Before this lovely story begins I would like to inform you that it does include some very big triggers. Among those triggers are: Substance abuse, self harm, suicidal actions, talk of depression, and graphic depictions of violence. If any of those are touchy subjects for you, please read at your own risk and don't leave me a nasty review/PM about how I didn't warn you. 
> 
> As of 7-18-15 this fic has 8 completed chapters, with a 9th in the works.
> 
> I got a lot of inspiration for this story from the fic "Reprise", especially the first couple of chapters. I hope this turns out well and that you like it. Just a heads up, this story doesn't really follow canon that much, Oscar and Julie are still alive and kicking, although for right now they're not really part of the story, but I'm still listing them in the tags because they might be later?
> 
> This story also isn't going to be focused on a sexual/romantic relationship between Sebastian and Joseph. Yeah, there will be some romantic stuff, and exploration of sexual feelings, but its' focus is going to be 'coming to terms' with what's happened in STEM.

It was the same every night. Sebastian Castellanos would fall asleep, usually with a drink in hand or close by, and as he drifted into a realm of nightmarish hell he would begin to shake in his sleep. He dreamt barbed wire would coil itself around him like a living snake while a mass of rotted creatures converged on him to tear chunks of his flesh from his body, devouring him while he screamed in agony. He dreamt of watching his partners and family also being tormented while he could do nothing but watch. Some nights, he had no control of his own body and was forced to watch as some otherworldly force made him raise his gun and shoot his closest friends, or beat them until their faces were unrecognizable masses of pulp. And then it was time to move to the next hell.

If he was lucky, Sebastian would wake up in a cold sweat. He could look around the room, his heart racing, and drink until he passed out again. Alcohol did little to block the nightmares, but it at least held his body down so he couldn't accidentally hurt himself in his nightmare-fueled struggles. If he was lucky, sometimes the alcohol would make the nightmares fuzzy, and by the time he had regained his senses they would have faded from his mind. Only the unreasonable terror would remain.

Each night this happened. Each night, that was, until something other than the alcohol or his wild thrashing woke Sebastian. He bolted upright in bed with a muffled scream and held his head in his hands. A ringing noise resided through his tiny bedroom that at first the tortured detective didn't recognize as his cell phone. It couldn't be much past three in the morning, but whoever it was calling him had at least spared Sebastian momentarily from further torment. He answered the phone without bothering to check the caller ID.

"Castellanos. What is it?"

"Hey Seb..."

Even in his drunken, sleep deprived stupor, Sebastian recognized the voice on the other end of the line.

"Joseph? What the fuck are you doing up this late?" 

There was a pause over the phone.

"I'm a... I'm not..."

Joseph was struggling with his words and sounded drained.

"I'm not in a good place right now Seb... I uh..."

There was another long pause and Sebastian furrowed his brow.

"Joseph? What's going on?"

"I'm want to eat my gun Seb. I've had it in my hand the past hour and... Fuck, it's so easy to just pull the trigger..."

Sebastian couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had seen Joseph put a gun to his head before, but the fact he was doing it now, and talking about it so casually sent chills through Sebastian.

"Hey, what the hell are you talking about? Don't do anything stupid."

Joseph took a deep breath.

"I... I want to do it so bad Seb... I'm in a bad place... Can you come over? Please..."

Joseph hung up the phone, leaving Sebastian with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He quickly threw on shoes and left his apartment without caring about the fact he probably wasn't okay to drive. Thankfully, at this time of night, the roads were empty and he made it to Joseph's place without incident.

Joseph had a much nicer apartment than Sebastian. It was big enough for two people, despite the fact Joseph was quite comfortable living alone, and always tidy when Sebastian visited. When the rugged detective arrived, he saw the light on in the main room and casually let himself in. He was not prepared for the sight before him.

The room was cluttered. Stacks of paper and unopened mail littered the available table space. Sebastian noticed some of the papers were labeled 'PAST DUE' in angry red ink. The TV was on, although Joseph didn't seem to be watching it. He sat slumped against the wall adjacent to the door, cradling his service piece in his lap and holding a bottle in his other hand.

"Hey Seb..." He greeted weakly.

Sebastian froze when he saw the gun. He couldn't know what was going on in Joseph's mind, but if it was even half as bad as the demons Sebastian had been fighting, there was no telling what Joseph would do.

"Joseph." Sebastian responded evenly.

"I'm here, just like you asked."

Joseph nodded.

"Yeah... You always look out for me, don't you?"

He sighed and took a drink from his bottle. Joseph didn't have a firm grip on his gun, and Sebastian crept forward. This went unnoticed by the inebriated detective, who seemed to be staring through his partner.

"Wanna sit down?" He asked quietly.

Sebastian nodded and cautiously sat next to Joseph. Neither of the two spoke for a time, until a quiet sob escaped Joseph and he began to confess.

"There's all this fire. I try to run from it, but I go down the same dark paths every time. Then I finally make it into an open room, and I think I'm alright, until the spikes come."

Joseph fiddled with the gun on his lap. 

"Remember those traps? They'd just pop out and..." He made a dismissive gesture.

"Anyway, the walls are lined with them, right? They just sit there, like they're mocking me. Well, the fire is still creeping up on me and I've got nowhere to go... It forces me closer and closer to the spikes until I'm against them. And then... I'm burning."

Sebastian's heart twisted as he listened to Joseph describe his nightmares.

"I thrash around, but I can't wake up... The damn nightmares won't stop."

"Joseph, it's over."

Sebastian figured the best thing to do would be to calm Joseph down, but the younger man was only aggravated by his words.

"It's not over Seb!" He rasped.

"It keeps coming back... Like some starving animal while I've got my guard down..."

Joseph trailed off before looking at Sebastian.

"And I can't just drink myself into the bottom of a bottle like you can." He weakly shook the contents of the bottle he was holding.

Sebastian took the bottle from him and sniffed it. It was a strong whiskey, the kind he liked to drink when he was low.

"You mind?"

Joseph shook his head. 

"Go on."

Sebastian tipped the bottle to his lips and drank. The burn of the alcohol was refreshing and made the detective wince slightly. He took another drink, and didn't stop until Joseph gripped the bottle and pulled it away from him.

"That's bad for your health." He scolded.

Sebastian grunted.

"And eating your gun isn't?"

Joseph looked guiltily at the gun in his lap. He had no words for Sebastian's remark and responded by sliding the gun across the floor. Sebastian patted his partner on the shoulder, and unceremoniously discarded his drink. The two sat in silence a good while, not even bothering to look at each other. It was when Sebastian's arse began to grow numb from sitting on the floor Joseph finally spoke.

"I guess you're gonna tell the captain now. Can't have me going back to work like this."

A dry sound like a laugh came from him.

"Not like the head shrinker is letting me back to work any time soon, you'll probably be back soon enough though."

Joseph's casual words hurt more than he realized. It was no secret that Sebastian had a sizable stick up his ass, a stick that was often mistaken for a lack of emotion. And while most people knew or at least had their suspicions about his drinking problem, they had no idea it was because Sebastian hurt just as much as the next guy. But he would never say it.

"You realize you're not alone, right Joseph?"

"You never turned into one of those things. You never tried to kill your partner."

Joseph visibly shuddered and looked longingly back to his discarded gun.

"Asking you to come here was a mistake." The young detective said quietly.

"I should've just killed myself instead of calling you Seb... I'm sorry..."

Sebastian gripped Joseph's collar.

"No. Don't you dare apologize for not killing yourself. You should be apologizing for being dumb enough to put a fucking gun to your head."

Joseph looked away in shame. Sebastian forced his partner to meet his gaze.

"You're alive. You're alive for a fucking reason. You're not supposed to die from a fucking bullet to the head if we survived that Hell."

Joseph gazed longingly at his gun. He then took a deep breath and fixed Sebastian with a broken gaze.

“Leave. Go on...” He murmured.

“I’ve made my decision about what I’m going to do, and I don’t want you to see it...”

“Joseph..!”

The young detective angrily shoved his partner.

“Get out of here Seb! You’ve seen enough shit already... I don’t want you to have to see anymore...”

Numbly, Sebastian staggered to his feet and stared at Joseph.

“Please don’t do this...” He begged.

Joseph leaned forward and picked up his discarded gun. He pointed to the door to his apartment with a shaking hand.

“I gotta do this... If you’re not a bastard Seb, let me do this...”

Sebastian’s chest tightened and he unconsciously reached for Joseph’s outstretched hand.

“Seb... You were a great partner... Forgive me one day?”

Choking back tears, Sebastian nodded and turned his back on Joseph. He was vaguely aware of his body carrying him out the apartment and to his car, where he climbed into the driver's seat and started it. The ringing in his ears drowned out everything else. He thought he heard a single, loud bang pierce the quiet morning, and with that bang, came the tears.

And then the screaming.


	2. 10-15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all about casual interaction between Seb and Jojo. Aka Chapter 2 and I already needed a filler.

It was almost ten am when Sebastian returned to Joseph’s apartment. He didn’t know what brought him there, maybe a strong hope that Joseph would be alive and hungover. Maybe what happened last night was a whiskey-induced fever dream, and Joseph would be sitting at his kitchen table with a cup of watered down coffee. Maybe... 

The door was unlocked when Sebastian let himself in. He walked right to where Joseph had been dazedly cradling his gun the night before and found the spot empty. Panic consumed him and Sebastian ran through the apartment calling his partner's name. Upstairs, the sound of rushing water reached Sebastian’s ears and he followed it to Joseph’s almost pristine bathroom. Sebastian allowed himself a massive sigh of relief when he saw Joseph, no apparent injuries on him, hanging over the edge of his bathtub with the shower running. His legs were over the lip with his feet touching the wall. The shower water ran down and soaked his legs through his pants. His back arched in a painful looking way and his shoulders were bent at a strange angle. One arm was splayed above his head, and the other one managed to find its way into the toilet.

_‘He’s alive.’_ Sebastian thought.

_‘Thank God he’s alive..!’_

Sebastian crouched beside Joseph and lifted his legs out of the tub, then gently sat him up to relieve the pressure on his back and arms. The younger man stirred slightly and one eye creaked open. He blinked slowly, and opened his mouth like a fish.

“Seb..?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Hey partner. You’re one hell of a drinker.”

Joseph tried to chuckle, but the sound came out more of an exasperated gasp. He was still under the effects of the alcohol he drank last night, and it showed. He leaned against Sebastian and tried to stand up. He managed, with a little help of course, and once Sebastian confirmed he wouldn’t fall and crack his skull Joseph was getting a proper shower while the older man waited patiently in the kitchen downstairs. He wasn’t waiting long before Joseph came downstairs wearing a very plain button-up shirt and slacks.

“Seb, about last night...”

Sebastian put up a hand to stop Joseph from talking.

“Last night is over, so is what happened.”

With downcast eyes, Joseph sat at the table in front of Sebastian. He idly drummed his fingers on the table and the two men sat in awkward silence.

“Seb? You wanna get some food? Denny’s maybe?”

Food was honestly the last thing on Sebastian’s mind, but his stomach grumbling loudly did a well enough job of answering for him. Taking that as an affirmation, Joseph grabbed a set of keys and led Sebastian to his car. The two climbed in and Joseph began navigating his way to the restaurant. 

“You know, according to Tumblr you don’t go to Denny’s.” He said nonchalantly

“It’s the place you end up at three in the morning when you're drunk.”.

Sebastian grunted.

“Tumble-er. What the fuck are you, a fifteen year old girl?”

The response earned a chuckle from Joseph and the conversation in the car quickly dried up. There was an unspoken tension between the two men. The events of last night played vividly in each of their heads, Sebastian switching between being angered at Joseph’s actions and relieved that he was still alive, while Joseph felt a curtain of shame and guilt enveloping him. Those emotions festered until the two arrived at the restaurant and climbed out of the car. 

Inside, the waitress sat them at a table away from any windows and brought them menus. Sebastian and Joseph both got a coffee while they decided what they were going to eat and made small talk about various things, centering mostly around stuff that was in the restaurant. Three cups of coffee and a shared order of french toast between them later, Joseph and Sebastian were still no closer to having any idea of what to eat. 

It was common, actually, for simple decisions and actions to take so much effort from the men. Getting dressed was probably one of the hardest, showering one of the easiest. Showering was easy because all either of the men had to do was stand.

Once the lunch rush started pouring into the restaurant, Sebastian and Joseph finally decided what they were having. Sebastian opting for a well done steak and eggs, Joseph picking a plate of pancakes with a side of bacon. By this time Sebastian was actually hungry, and since Joseph’s food was significantly less complicated to make it arrived first. The scent and promise of warm food was enough to convince Sebastian to steal bits of pancake with a smirk. The two had brief moments like this in each others company when it was easy to relax, to be like it was before going through Ruvik's Hell. Those moments were what Sebastian lived for anymore.

“Sorry for the wait sir, here’s your food.”

Joseph was more than happy to return the favour of stealing Sebastian’s food, to make up for his missing pancakes, and the childish gesture brought smiles to both men’s faces.

“Joseph, you remember at that Christmas party about three years ago when someone told Jeff’s kid that the charcoal was candy? How many pieces did he eat before Jeff got him? Like four?”

Joseph paused with his fork halfway to Sebastian’s plate.

“Yeah... Something like that. Why are you bringing that up now?”

“That kid was a little shit. Jeff shoulda let him eat some more.”

Joseph chuckled at took a bite of egg.

“You’re a little shit. You knew he was eating the charcoal and didn’t say anything.”

“True.”

* * *

After lunch, the two men parted ways. Joseph returned to his apartment to likely clean up, and Sebastian returned to his to likely drink. Rather, Sebastian returned to his apartment to pour himself a bottles worth of Jack Daniels. 

His lunch with Joseph was replaying in his head. It was the most relaxed he’d been for a long time. His smiles and chuckles had been genuine, not forced or rehearsed. It was easy to be like that with Joseph. After losing his wife and child, Sebastian had grown accustomed to finding comfort with Joseph. At first, his relationship with the younger man was described as rocky at best. Joseph Oda was a by-the-book type of man, and even before the tragedy of losing his family, Sebastian had a tendency to play a little fast and loose. Naturally, this caused problems initially. Sebastian had his methods, that while unorthodox often times worked, and Joseph knew proper procedure and knew the regulations for how situations should be handled.

The partnership almost crashed and burned before it really got a chance to start. Joseph started filing complaints about Sebastian practically the day they were assigned together, and Sebastian went out of his way to hassle the young detective for everything from his age to his too-uptight dress. Ten days after their partnership began, Sebastian was sure that would be the day it ended. 

* * *

“Car seventeen, I’m getting reports of a possible 10-15 at the Alberton Smoothie Shoppe, please respond.”

“Dispatch, this is Detective Castellanos. I’m two minutes out, checking it out now.”

It was a hot day, highs in the upper nineties. Unusual for the time of year. It was too hot for Sebastian and Joseph to waste energy bickering, so they drove around in silence. Joseph made no comment at Sebastian’s volunteering to check out the smoothie place, even though the Alberton Smoothie Shoppe was constantly getting false calls. Joseph figured Sebastian was using the call as an excuse to grab a cold drink. The two pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car.

“Joseph, this isn’t going to take long. You wait here. I’ll grab you a drink.”

Sebastian walked off, leaving Joseph to sigh in annoyance. He leaned against the hood of the car and pinched the bridge of his nose. Just because Sebastian had five years on him, and Joseph was a new detective, didn't give the older man a right to be such an ass.

_'What is taking him so long?'_ Joseph idly thought.

He stopped leaning on the car and walked up to the shop. He grit his teeth when he saw Sebastian casually sitting at the counter with two smoothies. He opened the door, fully intending to convince Sebastian to leave so he could give the older man an earful, when he noticed his partners body language was anything but casual.

Sebastian's arms were pointed towards his body, hands facing out like he was about to strike someone. One foot was on the ground pointing the door so if he needed to spring forward he could, and the other was on the chair so he could tip to the side and bail. His jacket looked closed, so no one could see his service piece.

Behind the counter was a man who most certainly did not belong there. Joseph knew right away he was a major drug user, judging from the scabbing and major skin discolourations it was that new brand of meth hitting the streets, Wallrider. There was a kid behind the counter with a gun against his head and tears in his eyes.

_'Okay, one gunman,'_ Joseph thought.

_'I just have to-'_

The door to the kitchen suddenly flying open interrupted Joseph's train of thought. A second man, looking even more tweaked than the first, came out from the back with a bloodied jacket. 

"Jerry, fuck this place man we gotta go. Grab the cash!"

'Jerry' started shoving wads of money from the register into his pocket while one hand kept the gun trained on the kid beside him. The kid was a little boy wearing a monster truck shirt who couldn't be more than ten years old.

_'Young enough to be mine.'_ Joseph thought. 

The second man pointed a gun at Joseph and jerked his chin to the counter beside Sebastian.

"Sit the fuck down." He growled.

Joseph had no choice but to obey and took a seat next to Sebastian. His partner nudged one of the drinks towards him, eyes staring straight ahead. Joseph took the drink without a word. Two men in a small shop with civilians was not a good combination. Luckily, the two men seemed to be more preoccupied with robbing the place than actually hurting anyone.

“Go on pretty boy,” The other man addressed Joseph.

“Drink your slushie.”

A thousand possibilities of what could happened flashed through Joseph’s head. In all likelihood, these two men would leave as soon as the register was empty, but the man who wasn’t Jerry was covered in blood, meaning either someone was seriously injured in the back or dead. In which case, the two perps were already in quite a bit of trouble, and once blood is shed, criminals get infinitely more dangerous. Joseph raised the drink to his lips and took a long sip. He remembered his disappointment when it was lime. Joseph hated lime.

A woman who was sitting in one of the booths stood up and reached out a trembling hand towards the two men with guns.

“Please let go of my boy! We’re listening to you, just let him go!”

Sebastian shifted, angling his shoulders just slightly towards the woman. Talking to men with guns was never easy, and often resulted in shots fired if they were in such a mood. Those men could quickly turn violent and hurt her, or anyone else in the slushie shop. 

“Did I give you permission to speak?” The man who wasn’t Jerry shouted.

“Please..!”

The hairs on the back of Joseph’s neck were on end. He knew that things were going to take a turn for the worse, it was suddenly ingrained in his being. Jerry threw the kid to the ground and swung the gun around to the woman. 

Sebastian exploded from his chair and over the counter, right for Jerry. He quickly pointed his gun at Sebastian and fired a shot. The gun discharged and the bullet whizzed right past Sebastian. The second man rushed towards Sebastian and grabbed his hair. The small shop resounded with the crack of Sebastian’s head suddenly being slammed against the counter. 

“You dumb bastard!” Not Jerry snarled.

The quick flash of a knife shocked Joseph into action. He suddenly found himself leaping over the counter himself and slamming one of the slushie cups into Not Jerry’s face. The man shrieked and inhaled sharply, getting a lungful of lime beverage. Joseph grabbed another drink and introduced it to Jerry’s face next. Not Jerry recovered quickly and tried to grapple Joseph, but by this time Sebastian had recovered as well and met the man with a powerful punch. Both partners in crime and law grappled behind the counter, until finally the two detectives got the upper hand and had both perps securely cuffed.

A second car was called in to lock the two goons up while Sebastian and Joseph enjoyed another drink, on the house of course. The assumed blood on Not Jerry’s clothing was actually concentrated flavouring, and no one was hurt. The patrons of the shop were eager to thank Sebastian and Joseph as they enjoyed their drinks, and some followed the two out as they left the shop. Once safely in the patrol car and driving, Sebastian took the time to speak with Joseph.

“That was some impressive work back there. I hadn’t realized smoothies were on the list of department approved weapons.”

Joseph, who had been consciously focusing on not drumming his fingers on any solid surface, managed a slight chuckle.

“What about you? You recovered awfully fast. I guess an empty head helps for situations like that huh?”

The corners of Sebastian’s face turned down in a scowl, but his eyes betrayed an amused mood.

“Then I guess it’s a good thing one of us has something in his head.”


	3. Moving In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter include mentions of suicide, substance abuse, and grudge-fucking.

Every Thursday and Saturday was department mandated therapy. At first, Sebastian was hesitant to go, he thought the therapy sessions to be too much like some twisted marriage council. No one believed Sebastian and Joseph when they talked about Ruvik’s world of nightmare, which was the whole point of the therapy, they were supposed to be able to talk about it to get the closure they needed. But it seemed the more they talked about, the crazier the department thought they were. Eventually, the two men decided that the best course of action would be to just lie, pretend that they weren’t still plagued by what happened. So then the shrinks burrowed into their personal lives.

Sebastian’s drinking problem and angst over his wife and daughter seemed to be two of the shrink’s favourite topics. Supposedly, those two things were the focus of all Sebastian’s problems, and by just letting them go would magically make everything better. 

_‘Yep, cut the booze Sebastian, and forget about your daughter burning alive, oh, and the fact that some shady organization kidnapped your wife, and absolutely everything will be alright.’_

Supposedly, Joseph’s problem was his marriage. After traveling through Hell and back, he found his relationship with Meredith and his daughter Jenny, harder to maintain. Sebastian didn’t know the whole story, only that for the past three months he was living by himself in a cheap apartment because his wife couldn’t stand to be around him. It wasn’t a topic Joseph was very willing to talk about.

The therapy sessions were broken into two parts. The first part was a one-on-one meet with a therapist where supposedly each detective could talk about their feelings and anxieties without fear of being ridiculed. The second part was a group therapy session where Joseph and Sebastian were in the room together talking with two therapists at once. Those discussions were the worst. Sebastian felt that if he needed to talk about his problems in front of Joseph, it would push the younger man over the edge and only worsen his anxieties.

* * *

Against his better judgement, it became routine for Sebastian to hit up the local bars after each session. Joseph insisted on tagging along at first, to make sure Sebastian didn’t fall into the deepest glass he could find. But Joseph could only take so much of dragging his shit-faced partner home before it got too much and he decided to just leave him to his own devices. He made sure Sebastian was alright, of course, by calling his cell phone every couple of hours and making sure the drunken prick answered. It wasn’t Joseph’s favourite way to spend a Thursday and Saturday night, but he wasn’t doing anything else productive with his life anymore as it was.

“Hey handsome, this seat taken?”

Another bad habit Sebastian had picked up, this one kept skillfully hidden from Joseph and the department shrinks, was making friends with local tail. Before everything that happened, Sebastian wouldn’t have dared to cheat on Myra, but after... After it was easier to fuck away his problems when the drinking wasn’t quite doing it for him.

“Not at all.”

It was almost an art he had perfected. A woman would approach him in the bar, drawn in by his rugged good looks and the lonely seat beside him. They would strike up a conversation with the surly man, and it was then his lady-killer voice would seal the deal.

“How about you buy me a drink then?”

* * *

Kathrine. Or Cathleen. Or maybe it was Cathy? He couldn’t remember, all Sebastian knew was the woman under him was soft and on the very edge of bliss. Each time he thrust into her a low moan passed her lips. Her breath came in pants and murmurs of his name and soon her back arched as she came, and then she was still.

“Sebastian... Fuck, you’re amazing...”

Sebastian pulled out of the woman and laid beside her bored. He reached over to his nightstand for a cigarette and passed one to her before lighting up and taking a drag. She was too caught up in her own afterglow to realize Sebastian’s attitude. Sure he was more than able to get off, but it was pointless pretending it helped any more than the booze. He couldn’t enjoy the afterglow of sex anymore, not between his sadness and guilt. The woman turned to Sebastian and smiled.

“You know, any time you need a little love you should give me a call.”

Sebastian was revolted by the turn of events. Revolted, but he forced himself to stay cool and seductive.

“Leave a number then.”

* * *

Another late night call and Sebastian once again found himself at Joseph’s apartment. Thankfully, this time there was no gun or booze in sight. The pair sat at Joseph’s small kitchen table as Sebastian read with a deadpan expression the papers Joseph had given him. Divorce papers.

“Meredith is leaving you..?”

Joseph held back a sob.

“Yeah. She said she can’t handle the stress of watching me fall apart, and she doesn’t want Jenny to be exposed to it...”

The only drinks on the table were coffee. Two cups. Black. Joseph’s new house rule included no booze of any kind. But Sebastian really needed a drink.

“That’s bullshit. Can’t you contest it or something?”

Joseph shook his head.

“If I try to contest it, I won’t be allowed to see Jenny. But at least if I go along with the agreement I can have a supervised visit for a couple hours every other Saturday.”

Sebastian glazed over the papers again before dropping them on the table. He imagined things from Jenny’s perspective. Not knowing why you couldn’t see your parent every day, having to go to a strange place while a strange person watched you the entire time. There would be all that tension. Jenny would pick up on it instantly. And what about Joseph? Two hours, three hours, one hour... However much time, it would be a big countdown clock that would kill him each time.

“In home or..?”

“Some place up by the museum. Social Service place.”

“Fuck...”

Sebastian reached across the table and gave Joseph’s shoulder a squeeze. It was all he could do. Joseph smiled at the gesture.

“Thanks Seb.”

* * *

If anything, Sebastian took the news of Joseph’s divorce harder than he should’ve. He spent too much time thinking about how bullshit it was Meredith could leave him, and how Joseph wouldn’t be able to see his daughter, and how he was going to be stuck living in a tiny apartment screaming reminders at him he was alone in the world. Just like Sebastian. 

_So he hatched a plan._

“I don’t know Seb... We’re not frat boys, if the two of us lived together we’d drive each other mad.”

“Look, I speak from experience here. It sucks being alone. I’m not saying we live together forever, just until things get better. For both of us.”

Joseph chewed his lip in thought.

“I don’t know... I’m not... I’m not okay. I think it would be better if I just stay at my place.”

Sebastian sighed in annoyance.

“Okay. How about this: If I don’t have someone hanging around, I’m likely to drink myself to death. If you don’t have someone hanging around, you’re likely going to try to kill yourself. If we’re living together: no more late night calls, no more excessive hangovers, no attempted suicides...”

Joseph listened to Sebastian carefully. The man did have a point, and his reasons were sound. Sebastian did have an extra room Joseph could stay in, and for the most part their schedules were opposite, so they wouldn’t have to worry about butting heads. Sighing, Joseph gave in.

“Alright Seb. I’ll start bringing my stuff.”

It took one trip to move in all of Joseph’s stuff. The stuff that would be in the guest room anyway. A dresser, two bed tables, an ugly lamp, clothing, some pillows, and a couple comfy blankets. The rest of the stuff Joseph put in a self-storage unit. Joseph didn’t have much toiletry wise, just a couple shampoo’s and body wash that fit nicely in an empty corner of Sebastian’s walk-in shower. His toothbrush sat on the left side of the bathroom sink, and a bottle of mouthwash in the medicine cabinet, next to one of Sebastian’s many hidden flasks. 

Even before everything was squared away, Joseph started having second thoughts about moving in. What if he had a night terror and woke Sebastian? What if he tried to kill himself again? The last thing he wanted was for Sebastian to have to find him dead in the shower, or OD’d from an aspirin cocktail. He tried to push the thoughts away, but they kept creeping into his head. It was overwhelming. It was too much. It was... _All. Too. Much._

“Joseph? What’s wrong?”

He couldn’t breathe. It was like his lungs were shriveling inside him. He gripped his head like it would make his fears go away, like the could squeeze them out.

“Joseph! Talk to me!”

Joseph was shaking. He couldn’t stop it, it was like something else had gripped him now.

“It’s alright. Just breathe Joseph. Nothing is wrong. I’m right here. I’m right here.”

Something had gripped Joseph. Sebastian had gripped Joseph. He gripped him and held the younger man tightly against his chest. They were somehow on the floor, Joseph had collapsed to his knees. Now he was being cradled against Sebastian.

“It’s alright. Nothing is wrong. I’m here.”

Sebastian held him close and murmured the same words until Joseph’s breathing returned to normal and he stopped shaking. Sebastian held Joseph for several minutes after that, finally letting go only after Joseph nervously began to wiggle away. The two sat apart and looked at each other in awkward silence. When Joseph spoke, his voice was almost too quiet for Sebastian to hear.

“I’m afraid Seb... Don’t leave me?”

Cautiously, Sebastian scooted back to Joseph and put an arm around his shoulders.

“You’re my partner. I need my partner.”


	4. Night Terrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some fluffy caring stuff between Sebastian and Joseph.

Living with Joseph took some getting used to. Sebastian couldn’t be drinking all hours of the day, no more bringing home women from the bar, and he had to constantly keep an eye on his partner. Joseph’s panic attacks were more frequent and intense than Sebastian had been expecting. He learned that there were certain things that triggered the attacks, and sadly some of them were unavoidable. The floor creaking, shadows late at night, sometimes even the phone ringing would scare Joseph into a ball in the corner. Sebastian had similar moments of panic that would leave him frozen in place, gripping whatever he was holding until either it broke, or his hands gave out on him. Sometimes Sebastian would stop what he was doing and stare at nothing for hours at a time until he regained himself.

Both men could admit however, after moving in together things did start to get better. An unspoken agreement was arranged between them. When Joseph started panicking, Sebastian would put his arms around the younger man and hold him against his chest until he could calm down. When Sebastian became unresponsive or started squeezing the life out of random household objects, Joseph would rub his back or stroke his hands. It was strange at first, touching another man like that, but both men got over it fairly quick.

Therapy sessions were still uncomfortable. Once the therapist learned of Joseph's imminent divorce, that was all he wanted to talk about. He probed Joseph, asking him like how the divorce was making him feel, if he felt relieved or anxious, he asked if it was affecting his sleeping and eating habits. Joseph did his best to answer the questions honestly, but he couldn't bear to answer all of them. Naturally, Sebastian was also questioned about how Joseph was handling the divorce. Neither of the department shrinks knew he and Joseph were living together, they just assumed since the two had been friends and partners for so long, Joseph would be more willing to open up to Sebastian. Sebastian for the most part told the truth.

"He doesn't talk about it much. But he mentioned he feels abandoned and he's worried about Jenny thinking differently of him."

What Sebastian failed to mention was the nights he had heard Joseph wake up crying for his wife and daughter to come back, or how some days he would barely eat any food. Sebastian understood Joseph's pain, and wasn't going to throw him to the wolves just yet.

* * *

One night, Sebastian dreamt he was burning. Barbed wire curled around his body and held him in place as the flames danced along him. He screamed until he thought he would tear out his own throat, but the flames continued to lick him. After what seemed like an eternity, the flames dissipated leaving Sebastian covered in sweat and second degree burns. He sobbed openly from the pain and begged for it to be over. A cold laugh from somewhere Sebastian couldn't see made his stomach drop and heart speed up.

_"What's the matter 'Seb'? You seem uncomfortable."_

A man dressed in a hooded, bloodied cloak stepped into view. His face and chest were essentially one big burn and his eyes brimmed with a sickening malice.

"R... Ruvik..."

He stepped closer to Sebastian, bound and helpless by the barbed wire. He reached out a hand and stroked the side of Sebastian's face in a deceptively kind fashion before gripping his jaw and forcing their lips together. Sebastian fought back, but Ruvik easily overpowered him and pushed his tongue into the detective's mouth. Tears fell from Sebastian's eyes and he gave in, allowing Ruvik to bite his lips, neck and jaw as the demented man pleased.

_"What's the matter Seb? Do you like this? Being helpless beneath me?"_

The barbed wire around Sebastian's neck tightened.

_"Or are you terrified that after all this time, I still have complete control of you?"_

Sebastian could feel his blood pouring from the wire in his neck. The violent pounding in his ears was fading away, Ruvik's cold laugh became muffled, like it was being heard under water, the pain in Sebastian's body dimmed.

And then there was darkness...

* * *

"Seb... Seb wake up... Seb, please..!"

Gasping for breath, the older man sat up in bed with a strangled cry. He pawed at his neck, wincing when he felt the cuts from the barbed wire. Joseph sat on the edge of his bed, clad in a loose shirt and slacks with a mortified expression.

"Seb..." He breathed. 

"You're bleeding."

Sebastian gingerly prodded where he could remember the barbed wire and winced. It didn't hurt anywhere as bad as his dream, but it was still enough to get his attention. The man could also taste blood in his mouth, and a sweep of his lower lip with his tongue told him he must've bit it in his sleep.

Joseph gently took hold of Sebastian's arm and led him to the adjoining bathroom connected to the room Sebastian slept. The bright lights hurt Sebastian's eyes and he closed them tightly. When Joseph touched Sebastian's chin to get a better look at his lip and the scratches on his neck, the tough man surprised both of them by jerking away and crying out.

"Please, no!"

Before he could stop himself, Sebastian had backed into a corner as far from Joseph as he could get. Joseph stared at his partner in confusion and reached a hand out to him. 

"Seb, it's only me. I won't hurt you."

Joseph had never seen Sebastian acting like this before. He had always thought Sebastian to be the tough one, an unbreakable rock of emotion. Yet here he was before Joseph, shaking and cowering in the corner like an abused child. It scared Joseph more than anything he had seen before. If Sebastian couldn’t keep his composure, if he was cracking like this... 

“Joseph...”

Sebastian took several deep breaths and slumped to the floor. Joseph quickly fell to his knees beside Sebastian and pressed a washcloth against the cut on his lip. 

“I’m right here. Everything is alright.”

Sebastian made a huffing noise and snatched the washcloth from Joseph’s hands. He stared at the floor in shame before speaking.

“I am so sorry you had to see that...” He said.

Joseph patted Sebastian’s knee.

“Don’t... Don’t be sorry, don’t apologize. I hadn’t realized... I hadn’t realized you were dealing with a bunch of stuff. I thought you were handling it really well. Why haven’t you said anything before?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I didn’t want to worry you. I want you to get better.”

Something in Joseph’s stomach fluttered. He was used to Sebastian fretting over him, but this time it was different. There wasn’t any bravado behind what Sebastian said, no cold determination. There was just a softness in Sebastian’s voice and a pleading glimmer in his eyes. Joseph felt the flutter in his stomach growing, moving up into his chest and making his heart pound before moving up to dust his cheeks in red.

“I need my partner.” Sebastian murmured.

Joseph leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Sebastian, burying his face against the man’s chest. A surprised noise peeped out of Sebastian, and he froze awkwardly before slowly returning Joseph’s embrace. He closed his eyes and tilted his head down to rest it atop Joseph’s. The warmth from the younger man seeped into Sebastian and eased away the tremors running through his body from the aftermath of his nightmare. Tears formed in Sebastian’s eyes again, but for a different reason this time. He hugged Joseph as tightly as he could without hurting the younger man.

“Thank you.”

It wasn’t comfortable on the floor, and Sebastian still had several cuts that needed tending to. Joseph pulled the two of them up and got a second washcloth he could help clean out the wounds. When he was satisfied that Sebastian wouldn’t die from infected scratches, he threw the soiled washcloths in the sink and walked him back to bed.

“I’m not a kid you know Jojo, I can go to bed by myself.”

Joseph flashed a smirk.

“You never know with you.”

He looked around the room and frowned.

“Hey... If you need anything, wake me up alright? I don’t mind.”

He fixed his glasses as he made his offer, drawing Sebastian’s attention right to his eyes. Wide pools that showed kindness, empathy, deep caring. Sebastian smiled at Joseph and leaned forward so their foreheads touched. They didn’t stay like that long, only for a moment then Sebastian returned to his room and closed the door. Joseph allowed himself a smile and walked back to the guest room where he slept. He climbed into his bed, drew the covers around him and settled in, leaving one ear turned listening for any more distress from Sebastian before finally drifting back to sleep.


	5. Finally, A Good Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More adorable JoSeb feels. I'm building y'all's up to destroy your heart.

"You made excellent progress today Detective Castellanos. I hope when we meet next week you'll make just as much."

Against his gut instinct, Sebastian finally mentioned to the headshrinkers that he had been having recurring nightmares. When he was probed for information, he only gave enough so they thought he was cooperating. He avoided telling them that it was Ruvik that tormented him at night. Sebastian left the office feeling minutely better, but stopped when he heard a commotion from a couple doors down. The door flew open with enough force to shatter the glass window, and Joseph strode out with murder in his eyes.

"This is bullshit!" He bellowed to the doctor.

"I'm not going anywhere near a place like Beacon, not after what happened. Fuck you!"

The doctor hesitantly followed him out.

"Detective Oda, think of the long run. Think of what's best for your daughter."

"How the fuck is growing up without a father best for Jenny?"

"Detective, they have out patient programs, you'd only be a full time patient for a few months at most!"

Sebastian could almost feel the pain and anger seeping from Joseph. He didn't need to have been in the room to know that obviously the doctors thought putting Joseph in an institution would help him. Another officer approached Joseph with a hand on his taser preemptively. Sebastian quickly walked between the two and gripped Joseph's arm.

"I've got it from here officer." He affirmed.

Either the officer knew Sebastian's impressive work history, or he knew that he was considered crazy and backed down. Sebastian turned to the doctor and scowled.

"Locking Joseph up is gonna do about as much as putting a band-aid on a broken neck. You can discuss other options next time you see him, I'm taking him to his car now."

Sebastian angrily led Joseph out of the building and to the garage where they parked. Joseph had of course parked in BFE, and by the time the pair reached his car he had stopped swearing and Sebastian had calmed down a little.

"What the hell did you tell them?" He asked.

Joseph leaned against the passenger door.

"The fucking truth. I'm done lying. We're supposed to be getting better right? If we don't tell them what really happened, how will we?"

"Joseph, we talked about this. No one is going to believe we were hooked up to some psycho's brain."

Joseph slammed his fist against the car.

"You don't understand! It's like... Like..!"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath.

"I feel like there's a part of him in my head, tormenting me. I know that's not possible, that I'm just imagining it, but I want him out Seb. Maybe... Maybe I should let them put me in the loony bin. At least then I'll be too drugged out to suffer."

Joseph's words made Sebastian angry, and he grabbed Joseph's collar in both hands.

"You listen to me: You don't belong in the damn nuthouse. Whatever you've got going on isn't worth it. You'll find another way, I don't care if I've got to drag you around kicking and screaming until you do, because you went through Hell once and going through it again is fucked up."

He let go of Joseph's collar and pushed him back against the car. Joseph made a quiet 'oof!' from the impact, but otherwise remained silent.

"I know what you mean when you said it feels like he's in your head. These nightmares I've been having... Fuck, only that bastard could be behind them. But letting them dope you up? Poke around in your head? That's not going to solve anything."

"Then what do I do Seb?"

Sebastian struggled to find the right words. When nothing came to him, he sighed and shrugged his shoulders. Joseph made a disgruntled noise and climbed into the driver's seat. Sebastian climbed in after him and the two drove home in silence.

* * *

When they got to the apartment, they fell into their afternoon ritual of Joseph reading a book on the couch, and Sebastian idly flipping through channels on the TV until something caught his interest for more than five minutes. He managed to stumble upon some sort of action movie, likely one of the ‘Fast and Furious’ movies judging by the fact he saw Vin Diesel and a lot of cars. It certainly looked interesting, even Joseph had put his book down and was paying attention to the movie. When it was over, Sebastian realized he had gone over an hour without wanting a drink, and Joseph didn't look like he was having a panic attack.

"Another movie?" Sebastian offered.

Joseph nodded, and Sebastian flipped through the On-Demand movies and settled on Starship Troopers. Somehow, Joseph had managed to live his life without seeing the gem of a movie, and Sebastian smirked at the chance to educate his partner in cult classics. 

Very quickly however, a Joseph began to complain about the movie. How did the bugs hit Earth? Why didn't we just nuke them? Why did that guy have a violin? Why did Dizzy have to die? Is this where NPH got his big break? Sebastian spent more time sighing than he did watching the actual movie. 

"You can be a real pain in the ass when you want to be. Just watch the movie."

As it turned out, Joseph did not enjoy science fiction. Or anything to do with space. Or guns.

"Maybe something funny?" He asked.

A comedy seemed to work well with both men. They chose the first Austin Powers movie and both Sebastian and Joseph had scattered fits of chuckling throughout. Joseph sprung for a pizza; neither man felt like cooking that night, and Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me, was booted up. The pizza arrived in a timely manner and Sebastian brought out plates and cans of pop for him and Joseph. When he sat on the couch, he misjudged the distance between him and Joseph and sat touching him. Joseph seemed surprised by the contact, but didn't say anything or move away. Sebastian mentally shrugged it off. They bumped shoulders or rubbed elbows all the time. Nothing was different here.

Yeah.

Joseph didn't make it through the second movie. He began to gently snore about half an hour before it was over, and by the time the credits were rolling his head rested on Sebastian's shoulder and he showed no sign of waking up anytime soon. 

"Joseph? Maybe you should get to bed?"

Even after being gently shook by Sebastian, the younger man slept peacefully and refused to open his eyes. A peaceful nights sleep was hard to come by for either man, so Sebastian sighed and decided to sleep on the couch so Joseph could be comfortable. He turned off the TV and pulled out a small throw blanket and covered the two of them with it. It wasn't really heavy enough to provide any real warmth, but Joseph had fallen asleep covering a good amount of Sebastian. The older man sighed and snuggled deeper into his couch. He'd probably be stiff in the morning, but at least he wouldn't have to worry about Joseph tonight.

Sebastian found himself drifting in and out of sleep through the night. He couldn't remember any specific nightmares, but something would always wake him up before he had a chance to sink too deep into slumber. There was one such time Sebastian woke up he felt strangely awake, as if he had an entire energy drink factory coursing through his veins. At first, he thought it might be because he had another nightmare, but it was a relaxed awareness, not a panicked one.

He realized he was laying stretched out on the couch, not facing the TV like he had been. Also, Joseph was laying on his chest with his face buried in the neck of the older man. Sebastian had an arm wrapped around Joseph, keeping him in place. The small throw blanket Sebastian had put over the pair was on the floor, the only thing keeping Sebastian warm was the heat from Joseph's body. The older man blushed furiously. How had he and Joseph ended up in such an intimate position? He slowly lifted his arm off Joseph and let it fall off the couch, but how was he going to get out from under Joseph? The only way Sebastian was going to get off the couch at this rate, was if Joseph woke up and moved, or if Sebastian moved Joseph off of him. He didn't want to disturb his partner however, and with a sigh decided he may as well try to sleep some more.

It was surprisingly easy for Sebastian to drift back to sleep once he accepted the fact Joseph wasn't going to be going anywhere soon. He even vaguely remembered threading his fingers through Joseph's hair before his eyes closed and he fell asleep again to the sound of steady breathing.

* * *

Warm sunlight trickling in through the window and seeping past Sebastian's eyelids was what woke the man again. He didn't feel the weight of another person on his chest and sat up on the couch. He could hear Joseph in the kitchen and the sink running. 

"Joseph? What time is it?"

He walked into the kitchen and stopped at the table, which was filled with food. A large plate of some of Sebastian's favourite was front and center, as well as a large cup of coffee and what looked like some of the staples Joseph had for breakfast was well. Not waiting for an invitation, Sebastian sat down and took a bite of an omelette. Whatever the heck Joseph put in it, it was good.

"Good to see you're awake." Joseph said quietly.

He turned off the sink and sat at the table with Sebastian.

"I made your favourite foods. Eggs, bacon, waffles. And I made some traditional Japanese breakfast foods as well."

The two had a quiet breakfast together. Sebastian noticed Joseph was tense, and refused to meet his gaze as they ate. When the food was gone, Sebastian helped wash the rest of the dishes and casually leaned against the counter.

"What's wrong? You've barely said two words to me all morning."

There was nowhere for Joseph to run in the kitchen, he had no choice but to answer Sebastian's question.

"I... Last night, what happened on the couch... It made me think about some stuff. About Meredith."

"Your wife?"

Sebastian shifted forward.

"What about her?"

"I knew the divorce was coming. After getting back from STEM I thought I would be able to reach out to Meredith for support. I needed her, and Jenny. But she was just so cold and distant. We had been having trouble before, but I thought it was just something that all married couples went through. Then I realized that something in the marriage just died."

Sebastian listened patiently as Joseph spoke.

"Meredith and I had nothing in common anymore. No love, no intimacy. I don't know when it happened Seb... "

He covered his face in his hands.

"And when I needed her the most... She left. God... She left me. I just..."

Joseph looked up from his hands. Tears fell unchecked from his eyes.

"I just needed someone to hold me, to tell me I was alright and someone was here for me."

Joseph's words turned to garbled sobs and he buried his face in his hands again. He lurched forward, like he was going to fall, and Sebastian caught him and pulled the shaking man close.

"I'm here, Joseph." He murmured.

"I'll hold you."


	6. There's Something 'Going On'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's get homoerotic! But seriously, there are some deep thoughts in this chapter, so proceed with caution. 
> 
> Also like, one uber cliche'd line. Please don't lynch me.

Sebastian had never questioned his sexuality. From a young age he knew he was attracted to women, if he had access to his internet search history from his younger years he would have more than enough proof of that. Sebastian had never been curious about what it would be like to have sex with a man, nor had he ever felt any romantic attraction to a man either. It was with these facts in mind, the fact Sebastian was neither sexually or romantically attracted to men, that he told himself there was nothing gay at all about holding Joseph in his arms when he began to stress, or how he let Joseph curl against him on the couch with a book almost every night. It was merely a system that worked, and kept the two of them sane. 

That was the important part, right?

Joseph was eventually cleared by the department headshrinker to return to work on reduced duties. He was mostly doing desk work, occasionally getting sent out on small calls. While it wasn’t as much work as he was used to, it was nice to be getting out of the house more and Joseph’s mood picked up noticeably. Sebastian was still struggling with his problems, his anger getting the better of him several times after Joseph was allowed to return to work. It wasn’t like he was doing it on purpose. It was all their fault anyway, Sebastian was getting better, he could go back to work too.

“Seb, just give it a rest. You’re getting there. It’s been two weeks since your last nightmare.”

Joseph was, if nothing, a Godsend. If not for him, the walls of Sebastian’s apartment would certainly have a few more holes from where his fist got a little too intimate with them.

“Well yeah... But I’m going crazy being stuck here. At least you’re doing something with your time.”

They were sitting on the couch, both reading. Sebastian’s book came from Joseph’s library. It was a fantasy novel of all things, something about dragons living in a city built upon the clouds. Joseph was reading a novel about steampunk pirates who sailed a digital sea on electrical currents.

“You could leave the apartment any time you wanted you know.”

Joseph casually leaned with his back against Sebastian’s chest. Sebastian used Joseph’s shoulder to balance the book.

“What would I do though? God, it’s been so long since I’ve done anything normal.”

He rocked the book slightly on Joseph’s shoulder.

“I need to burn off some energy..."

Sebastian's casual remark brought a blush to Joseph's face, and he was thankful the other man couldn't see.

"Why don't you go ice skating?" Joseph quickly offered.

Sebastian's body shook in laughter.

"Ice skating? Me? You're kidding right?"

Sebastian slipped a bookmark in place and set the novel down. He then looped an arm around Joseph and gave him a gentle hug.

"I've never even gone regular skating before, throw ice into the mix and I'd either break my neck or ass."

Joseph relaxed into the hug and tilted his head back to look at Sebastian with a smirk.

"Gee, if only you knew a Canadian. Everyone knows Canadian's are bred to ice skate and play hockey."

Sebastian rested his chin on Joseph's head and smiled.

"Where am I going to find a Canadian at this hour?" He asked teasingly.

Joseph made a face at Sebastian and got off the couch. Sebastian couldn't stop from frowning slightly when Joseph walked away, but his smile returned when Joseph brought over his coat and tossed it at him.

"Come on, before it gets too late."

* * *

After watching Sebastian flounder around awkwardly on the ice for half an hour, Joseph came to the conclusion that maybe Sebastian wasn't kidding when he said he'd break either his neck or ass. He could barely stay upright for more that sixty seconds, and if he tried to move forward he would go sprawling to the ground and use colourful enough words to describe his feelings the parents would clap their hands over their kids' ears. After a particularly nasty tumble, Joseph gracefully skated to Sebastian's side and helped him to his feet.

"Fuck this ice..." Sebastian mumbled.

Even with his practice skating, it wasn't easy for Joseph to keep both him and Sebastian upright on the ice. 

"You just need to get a little momentum going, here."

Joseph gave Sebastian a gentle push, much to the man's chagrin. 

"What the hell are you doing?" He snapped.

Joseph moved forward, taking Sebastian's hand and pulling him along. Sebastian struggled to follow Joseph's lead, and almost brought both of them tumbling to the ice several times, but with Joseph's patience and skill on the ice he soon had Sebastian moving forward on his own and not falling down.

"That's it! Keep going!"

Sebastian was practically dying. He had no idea ice skating would be so terrifying. The indoor rink seemed to amplify every sound, and he was certain everyone could hear his heart beating out of his chest. His arms flailed comically at his sides as he tried to keep his balance. Joseph easily skated beside him, like a majestic ice swan. 

"You're doing great Seb, just slow down before you get to the wall and plant your hands on it."

"Slow down? How do I do that?!"

Panic set in again and Sebastian frantically tried to stop. His attempts were useless however, and he soon slammed into the sturdy metal wall of the rink. The next thing he knew, his wrist felt like it was just slammed between iron gate works and he was flat on his back.

"Seb!"

He didn't see it exactly, but he knew Joseph gracefully came to a stop beside him and knelt down. 

"Seb? Are you alright?"

Sebastian groaned and tried to get up. When he put weight on his wrist to support himself, pain shot up his entire arm and almost took the air from his lungs.

"Fuck, my wrist..!" He managed to hiss.

Joseph wasted no time in hoisting Sebastian to his feel and carrying him off the ice. It was just as Sebastian had carried him when Joseph had been injured in STEM. 

"I need to get you to a hospital." Joseph said sternly.

Sebastian growled.

"I'm fine. I don't need to go to a hospital."

"Seb, you might have a broken wrist. We can't just slap an ice pack on it and pretend it's okay."

Sebastian argued with Joseph all the way to the car, despite the growing pain he felt. A large bruise had bloomed as well, further confirming Joseph's fears of a break.

"Seb, this isn't up for debate. We are going to the hospital." 

Anxiety mounted in Sebastian as they drove. He had told himself he would never go to another hospital after Beacon, it didn't have to be a mental facility. Joseph marched him into the waiting room and began filling out paper work. Since a broken wrist wasn't exactly life threatening, the pair was waiting for almost an hour after the paperwork was turned into the nurse. 

When they were finally seen by the doctor, it was easy enough to put a cast on Sebastian's wrist and send him home with a prescription painkiller. Joseph realized as he had been filling out the paperwork that Sebastian had been uncomfortable at the hospital, and once they were in the car he apologized.

"I'm sorry Seb, I didn't even think that a hospital might make you uncomfortable..."

"'Uncomfortable' doesn't even cover it." He said quietly.

"That whole place smelled like death and medicine... And some of the people there were so sickly... God, I kept expecting them to sprout barbed wire and attack..."

Joseph reached over and put his hand reassuringly on Sebastian's arm.

"It's alright, we don't have to go back again. The doctor said you should heal up in a couple months. You're awfully sturdy for an almost forty year old."

Somehow, the jab made Sebastian chuckle.

"Hey, that's not old. And aren't you always nagging me for taking a hand off the wheel? Trying to kill us Joseph?"

Joseph returned Sebastian's chuckle.

"Special circumstances."

"Right."

* * *

"Detective, how ever did you break your wrist?"

"Uhhh... Stupidly, really. Apparently stopping on ice skates is harder than it looks."

Sebastian was for once in a good mood for his therapy session. He made an honest effort to be pissed off, but something prevented him from being in a sour mood.

"Oh my, well it's good to see you got medical treatment."

The therapist gave him a warm smile.

"Now, how have you been?"

Sebastian considered his answer before speaking.

"Happy? I mean... I'm still having the occasional nightmare, and I'm still having panic attacks at the most horrid of times, but in general I've been very content."

The therapist clapped their hands together excitedly.

"This is wonderful news Sebastian! I knew when you walked into my office something was different about you."

"So does that mean I can go back to work?"

The look on the therapist's face told Sebastian he done goofed and he sighed. 

"Look, I need to go back. I'm fine, really."

The therapist frowned.

"I know that being on leave hasn't been kind on you... Your wrist is a perfect example of that. But the last thing the KCPD needs is to have a potentially unstable officer toting around a gun. You don't exactly have a clean record."

Sebastian angrily stood up.

"You know what? I'm done then. If I can't come back to work, I see no reason why I should waste my time talking to you."

"Sebastian..!"

He walked out of the office, then the building. He ignored the staff trying to stop him and made a beeline for his car. Once he had buckled himself in he pulled out his phone and looked at the time. It would be over an hour before Joseph was done with his therapy, and then he would be spending two hours with his daughter at some children services center. That left Sebastian with a little more than three hours of time he could go drink. 

Fuck, he needed it.

* * *

He could remember this ones name, Amanda. It had been at least a month since the last time he was with a woman, and she felt nice. They went behind the bar and Amanda wasted no time in dropping Sebastian's pants and getting to work. She knew her way around a dick for sure, as she easily took all of Sebastian into her mouth without hesitation or gagging. When she finished blowing him, Sebastian slipped on a condom and fucked her senseless against the bar's fancy brick wall. It certainly wasn't romantic, but Sebastian didn't need romance, he needed to be numb.

But Christ, why did it turn him on so much when she breathlessly panted 'Seb..!' In his ear with each thrust?

He left Amanda exhausted behind the bar and staggered to his car. He knew he was too drunk to drive, so he took his cell phone out of the glove box. He muttered a few curse words when he saw a slew of missed calls and texts from Joseph. He dialed the man's number and before Joseph had the chance to give him a tongue lashing, he told Joseph which bar he was stuck at and hung up. He knew Joseph wouldn't leave him there, and sure enough twenty minutes later he pulled up beside Sebastian's car and glared at him.

"Get in." He deadpanned. 

Sebastian climbed into the car, closing his eyes in preparation for the tongue lashing. Joseph gave him one of course, and Sebastian knew full well he deserved it. He even knew in his head what Joseph was going to say... Until he finished his rant and asked more difficult to answer questions.

"Seb, you smell like sex. Did you bang a hooker?"

Maybe it was Joseph's forwardness, or just the disgustedly concerned tone of voice he used, but the accusation made Sebastian feel ashamed.

"I didn't pay her, so she technically wasn't a hooker..." Was Sebastian's dismissive response.

Joseph sighed in annoyance.

"You realize your actions affect everyone around you, right? I've been worried sick ever since I heard you stormed out of your therapy session, and when you weren't answering your phone I thought you fell into the bottom of a glass... Looks like I was right." 

The last part Joseph added bitterly.

"You're one to talk about storming off and worrying people." Sebastian snapped.

"Are you really going to make me the bad guy here Seb? I'm looking out for you, it's not like you're doing a fine job of it yourself."

"Wow, are all Canadians pots calling the kettle black, or is that just you?" 

Joseph became aggressively silent after that, turning up the radio so he wouldn't even have to listen to Sebastian breathing. When they got home, Sebastian headed right for the shower and stayed up there for over an hour. Joseph sat down on a chair and read his book, trying to calm down and ignore his bubbling anger and... What was that other emotion? Sebastian, meanwhile, was scrubbing himself so hard in the shower he almost thought he'd scrub off his skin. He was just as aggressive washing his hair and then brushing his teeth afterwards, like a teenager trying to scrub away the feel of a one night stand with some sleazy stoner trash. After he felt almost clean, he threw on some loose sweats and a large shirt before heading downstairs and flopping onto the couch.

Joseph didn't say a word to him, instead choosing to passive-aggressively turn his body at an angle where he could give Sebastian dirty looks and continuing to read his book. Sebastian sighed in defeat and tried to watch TV. An hour later, and he felt like absolute garbage. He looked over at Joseph and the two locked eyes. Sebastian was sure Joseph was going to give him a dirty look and turn his head, but he didn't. The two just stared at each other until Sebastian shyly turned on the couch and held open an arm, making a nice little spot where Joseph could lay against him. The younger man looked at Sebastian with a slight frown before joining him on the couch. Sebastian lazily wrapped his arm around Joseph and rested his chin on his head.

"I'm sorry..." He admitted.

Joseph sighed.

"I know you are. I think I understand what you're going through. I'd be just as pissed off if you were going back and I was stuck here."

Joseph got comfortable, stretching out and resting his head against Sebastian's collarbone and shoulder. Sebastian put his other arm around his partner and settled in as well, scooting Joseph so he was on his lap and both men were laying back on the couch. Joseph took a hold of Sebastian's hand and caressed it with his thumb.

"I like this." Joseph said quietly.

"Not the bullshit diagnoses, not the fact I'm barely allowed to see my daughter, and dragging your ass home from bars, but the... Whatever the hell this is we've got going on. Is it going to stop when we're both better and back to work full time?"

Sebastian had no clue how to respond. He hadn't realized Joseph thought they had something 'going on'. Yeah, it was a naïve way of looking at it, obviously two grown men spending most of their free time in each other's arms was something 'going on'. So Sebastian nibbled his lip in thought. When they got better, why would he have to hold onto Joseph like he was a lifeboat in rocky water? The only reason Sebastian would need Joseph like that after he got better would be if he was more that a lifeboat, only if...

Only if Sebastian had fallen in love with his partner.

That was impossible. He forced the thought out of his head. Sebastian wasn't gay. There wasn't anything wrong with being gay, no. Some of Sebastian's favourite people were gay, and he got along better with them than some of his straight friends, it just wasn't the path Sebastian walked. 

Right?

"It..."

Heteroflexible, that was a thing, right? Being straight but occasionally one person makes you gay-ish? No... That didn't sound right.

"It doesn't have to stop I guess." Sebastian said with some difficulty.

The two sat in awkward silence after Sebastian answered. He could hear Joseph's even breathing, and heard his own heart beating in his chest. It was over right? They could go back to quietly laying on the couch, right?

"Seb... Can I kiss you?"

Joseph turned around to ask, his chest now pressing against Sebastian's. He gazed into the older man's eyes with a hopeful yet worried expression. He had no way of knowing how Sebastian would react to such a forward request. Sebastian certainly looked shocked. His eyes were wide and a deep blush spread across his face. Joseph regretted asking almost as soon as the question passes his lips and he moved to get off the couch.

"Forget it..." He mumbled.

Sebastian held him in place and a small gasp escaped him.

"No..! Ah... Go ahead... You can kiss me."

Joseph's face turned just as red as Sebastian's and he nodded.

"Okay..."

Joseph shifted his arms to either side of Sebastian and lifted himself up enough his face hovered above the other man's. Sebastian thought his heart was going to explode it was beating so fast as Joseph brought his lips closer to his. Joseph paused with his lips barely an inch from Sebastian's. It was too late to turn back now, but moving forward that final inch seemed impossible. He shut his eyes and closed the final inch of space, his lips finally touching Sebastian's. 

It wasn't like any kiss Sebastian had received before. There was hesitation, but a gentle eagerness hid behind it. His stomach fluttered. Okay, this was definitely a new feeling. The fluttering in Sebastian's stomach lasted even after Joseph pulled away and looked at him bashfully.

"I hope that wasn't unpleasant." He said quietly.

"No, it was really nice." Sebastian admitted.

He placed his hand on the side of Joseph's face and caressed it lovingly.

"Can I kiss you back?"

Sebastian needed to know if he could. He was sure putting his lips on Joseph wasn't the hard part, but he needed to know if he could do it with the same tenderness and intimacy he just felt when his partner kissed him. Joseph nodded, permission granted, and Sebastian brought their lips together. He was eager, he moved with more determination than Joseph had, but when he felt contact again the same fluttering returned with vigor. Sebastian realized, he wanted to kiss Joseph as intimately as he had been kissed. He wanted the kiss to scream that they had something 'going on'.

But there wasn't any screaming, just a content hum from Joseph when the kiss was over and he could nuzzle Sebastian's neck. Sebastian melted when Joseph pressed his lips to his neck as well. 

"I love you Seb." He whispered confidently.

Hearing the same words from Joseph left no doubt in Sebastian. To hell with being gay, straight, or whatever the hell else there was, Sebastian knew in the core of his being that he was in love with Joseph Oda.

"I love you Joseph."


	7. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for some mild homophobia in this chapter, otherwise it's nice and romantic :)

Confessing to Joseph he loved him brought Sebastian a peace he hadn't known for a long time. He was more than happy to shower Joseph with affectionate kisses and sensual hugs as time passed. By the end of the month, Joseph was regularly sleeping in Sebastian's bed. Sebastian could tell that their newfound relationship was helping Joseph too. While things were still tense with Meredith, and he only saw Jenny every other Saturday, having someone to come home to and be the intimate support Joseph needed made him happier. The relationship even made Sebastian put forward an honest effort in therapy, and finally the day came when he was cleared to return to active duty. After some time had passed, and he was used to working again, Sebastian decided he wanted to take Joseph out for a nice dinner. Joseph was hesitant; while he wasn't ashamed of his relationship with Sebastian, no one was aware that they were romantically involved.

"Are you sure about this Seb? It could kick up some nasty trouble." 

Sebastian playfully undid Joseph's tie, he was still wearing it after coming home from work. 

"Relax, what's two friends enjoying a romantic dinner together?"

It never ceased to amaze Joseph how playful and loving Sebastian was. No wonder Myra loved him so much, and any woman for that matter. Joseph smiled in spite of himself.

"Alright, give me a chance to get ready."

When they were both dressed in evening attire, Sebastian led Joseph to the car and opened the door for him.

"What a gentleman." Joseph teased.

Sebastian winked at Joseph and climbed into the driver's seat.

"Just wait until you see the restaurant I picked out. You're going to love it."

The younger man chuckled.

"I'm almost afraid now."

Sebastian's words were not false however, and when they pulled into the parking lot Joseph made a noise very ill-fitting of a man.

"Seb... This is..."

They had pulled into the parking lot of 'Ebiki Vivaña', one of the fanciest restaurants in Krimson City. It was the highest rated restaurant for couples, and packed several five star gourmet reviews. It was the kind of place that had a waiting list to get onto the waiting list.

"How did you..?"

"The guy who owns the joint has a son named Eric who got jumped by some hooligans a few years back. I stepped in and saved his ass. Anyway, the kid always wanted to own a restaurant, and I guess his dad wanted his son to be some important business man, and decided there were worse things he could do? The son makes all the aesthetic decisions, and handles some other stuff, but the dad still makes executive decisions. So I called him up and asked if he could squeeze me and my wonderful partner into an eight o'clock slot."

Joseph blushed.

"Seb... I had no idea..."

Sebastian adjusted his tie nervously.

"Well... I suppose this is a bad time to mention this, but that man's got a hell of a bug up his ass when it comes to... Homosexuality... We're walking into a hornets nest."

Joseph was quiet for a while.

"You think he's the kind of guy to make a scene and out someone?"

"He'll call the Captain as soon as he seats us."

The silence in the car became tangible. The clock read seven fifty three, and the reservation was for eight. Sebastian could go, and tell the owner his date bailed on him, or he could cancel, or they could walk in arm-in-arm. Joseph took a deep breath and opened the car door.

"You better get me dessert after this."

* * *

When they walked into the restaurant, Joseph almost fainted from the sheer elegance alone. He couldn't believe Sebastian picked a place like that for them to have dinner. They walked up to an ornate podium where a man in his early twenties stood. He looked like a butler straight out of an anime; wine coloured hair, pink jacket, large glasses over eyes that looked violet in the light of the candles and chandeliers, and he had a knowing smile as they approached. 

"Welcome to Ebiki Vivaña," He greeted.

"My name is Nolan, do you have a reservation?"

His eyes did a brief sweep of Sebastian and Joseph. Curious, not perverse.

"Castellanos. Party of two." 

Nolan checked through a book at the podium and nodded. 

"Your table is ready sirs, right this way."

He led them through the restaurant to a private section in the back. Joseph noticed the eyes of the patrons followed him and Sebastian as they went. Some merely gazed at them and returned to their meals, but other eyes were accompanied by no doubt cruel whispers and disgusted scowls. Joseph noticed that at times Nolan would glare back at patrons who seemed especially perturbed by two men being lead to their tables.

"I take it there aren't many occasions where two guys get a table here?" Joseph commented.

"After six we make it apparent this restaurant caters specifically to couples. There have been the occasional gentlemen who come here during the day for business deals or similar matters, but mostly even during the day we have only romantic couples."

They were finally at the table and Nolan pulled out their chairs.

"If anyone gives you any trouble, let me know."

Nolan gave them a playful wink and pulled out menus.

"Might I recommend a nice rosé wine to start?"

Drinks were brought to Sebastian and Joseph while they looked over the menus. Joseph noticed right away nothing seemed to have a price beside it and was hesitant to order anything. He learned early in life that if something doesn't have a price listed, then it's probably too expensive. Sebastian didn't seem to care about the lack of prices on the menu, and flipped between two entrees trying to decide which one he wanted.

"Seb, maybe this place is too fancy?"

Sebastian peeked over his menu.

"Well, this is our first date isn't it? I wanted it to be special."

The comment made Joseph blush.

"Thank you, but... Nothing on the menu has a price."

"Don't worry about the price Joseph, just get whatever sounds the best."

Joseph was still debating on what to get when Nolan returned to take their order. Sebastian ordered his own meal confidently and with excellent pronunciation, but Joseph could only sadly stare at the menu as if what to order would suddenly jump into his head.

"I could come back later sir. Or would you like a recommendation?"

Sebastian surprised Joseph by ordering for him. He ordered an angel hair pasta with garlic sauce, topped with capers and pineapple shrimp stirred in. It was a dish Joseph had spent some time looking at, but assumed it would be expensive since it was a shrimp dish. Nolan took the menus and promised to be back soon with the meals.

"How did you know I'd get the shrimp?" Joseph asked.

"Well, you always get shrimp something with your take out. I figured you must like it a little bit."

Joseph smiled.

"You're quite caring Seb."

Sebastian offered Joseph a playful smirk.

"Well, I've had practice you know."

The two made small talk until the owner of the restaurant came over with two large covered dishes.

"Thanks you for choosing Ebiki Vivaña, I'm..!"

He stopped in his tracks when he saw Joseph and Sebastian at the table. There was a beat of silence before Sebastian nodded at the man.

"Mr. Dawson, I'd like to thank you again for finding a spot for us in your restaurant tonight."

He set the dishes on the table and shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

"Detective Castellanos, I was expecting you to bring your wife, not..." He gestured towards Joseph.

A brief look of sadness flickered across Sebastian's face.

"I'm... A widower. This is Joseph, my partner."

 _Partner._ It was a word that could go either way. A casual description of their working relationship, or their romantic one. The quick glance Sebastian gave Joseph reassured him, however, Sebastian intended it in the romantic sense. Joseph found himself blushing and fiddling with his fork. Mr. Dawson, the owner, looked uncomfortable.

“So he’s the guy you work with?”

“He’s the man I’ve become intimately involved with after my wife.”

Mr. Dawson took a step back. He eyed Sebastian suspiciously and looked from him to Joseph.

“Oh... You’re gay.”

He folded his arms.

“You know... This restaurant has a reputation. It’s bad enough I have to keep Nolan around, otherwise it’s a damn hate crime, but I don’t have to serve you. I have the right to refuse service you know.”

Sebastian shrugged his shoulders. The gesture looked harmless enough, but Joseph knew there was anger behind it.

“That’s true. This is a private business, you can refuse to serve whoever you want.”

Mr. Dawson looked like he was about make good on his threat to kick Sebastian and Joseph out, when a young man who looked an awful lot like him walked over.

“Hey dad? They’re having trouble in the kitchen and need your help.”

Mr. Dawson grumbled a couple curses under his breath and walked away. When he was, the young man bowed his head apologetically.

"Terribly sorry for that detectives, my father can be a bit of an ass sometimes."

He held out his hand for Sebastian to shake.

"Detective Castellanos, I'm honoured to have the chance to meet you again."

The two shook hands and Sebastian nodded.

"Good to see you've got the restaurant you've always wanted."

Eric placed a hand on the back of his neck and flashed a sheepish smile.

"Well, it'll be better once I kick out my dad, but I'm only a semester and exam away from having my business license in addition to my food preparation one, so it's not a long wait."

He gestured to the two covered dishes.

"Now, gentlemen, enjoy your dinners and if my father is a bother to you, let me know."

He left, and Sebastian and Joseph began their meal. Sebastian unveiled his first, a delicious looking steak with wild berry sauce and garnished with a delicious and pretty bundle of herbs. It was accompanied by thinly sliced potatoes and fresh steamed broccoli with a butter dipping sauce. The scent drifted over to Joseph and made his mouth water. He eagerly lifted the lid on his dinner, finding it to be just as tantalizing as Sebastian's. The shrimp was arranged artistically atop the thin spaghetti, small bits of pineapple stirred in like peppermint flakes on a latte. The garlic was noticeable, but not overpowering and blended exquisitely with the capers. 

The first bite was heaven, and so was each bite after that. Sebastian managed to sneakily steal a couple bites of Joseph's dinner before he caught the man and fixed him with a playfully chastising glare. The faux apologetic smile Sebastian offered in return would've melted Joseph if he wasn't busy savouring the bite of tender steak he also offered. The dinner passed slowly with playful flirting and deep blushes from both men. When Nolan returned, Joseph thought he was bringing the check, but instead he carried another dish with him. It was a decadent cake, drizzled with strawberry topping and chocolate flakes. Two dollops of ice cream snuggled against either side of the cake like frosted marshmallows. 

"Compliments of Eric and myself." Nolan said regally.

He then smiled sheepishly at Sebastian and Joseph.

"You two are soooo cute together by the way."

Sebastian and Joseph exchanged shy blushes before enjoying their dessert. They fed each other tiny bites of cake while making silly faces and holding hands. Nolan had perfect timing with the check and brought it out to the couple moments after they finished their cake. Sebastian gave Joseph no chance to peek at the bill and handed Nolan his credit card. When he returned the card after processing the payment, he bowed his head to the pair.

"It was a pleasure serving you gentlemen tonight. Please, do make a reservation with us again."

Sebastian and Joseph passed Mr. Dawson on the way out of the restaurant. He had a sour face and mumbled a slur at them as they walked. Joseph fully expected Sebastian to counter with something, but surprisingly the easily angered man remained quiet. When they got in the car Sebastian finally allowed himself to huff and grip the wheel.

"If I had to deal with that asshole for ten more seconds I would've tagged him."

He lazily looked over at Joseph.

"See? I'm well behaved when I want to be."

Joseph chuckled.

"I'm impressed Seb, you're a pretty good date."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hella awkward to write, that's for sure. And after a couple of fluffy chapters back-to-back, it's about time to smash some hearts to bits. Trigger warnings for this chapter include some homophobia and body horror.

It was a week after their dinner date Sebastian and Joseph told the captain of their relationship. He was understandably shocked and uncomfortable with this new information, but after a tangibly awkward silence took a deep breath and spoke.

"Well... I can list eighty things wrong with being gay, but I can't list a single reason why it gives me the right to treat someone gay differently. Thanks for telling me. Now, one of you is going to need a transfer. Joseph, TARU has been needing a guy for months, you any good with computers?"

The captain took the news better than both men expected. Joseph was transferred to the Tactical Assistance Response Unit, where he would be handling electronic data in crimes such as emails, instant messages, GPS tracking, banking and credit card usage. It wasn't an ideal job, in Joseph's opinion, but it allowed him to still work for the KCPD. Sebastian wasn't thrilled with the idea that he would now have to get a new partner, but he was able to joke with Joseph saying, "Maybe since I've fallen in love with two partners I'll get a K-9 instead."

The news of Joseph and Sebastian's relationship slowly spread around the department and received mixed responses. Most people didn't really give two shits, some thought it was cute and offered congratulations, and only a couple seemed rude about it. In all it was... Okay. A new chapter...

Things were looking good.

_Were._

* * *

Sebastian's new partner was Eugine Brinko, forty-six, a conspiracy nut, and had a rule book so far down his throat he practically shat regulations. Sebastian thought he would be able to respect the man, until he found out first hand what a raging homophobe he was. When Sebastian spoke with the captain about this, he was sympathetic, but couldn't do much unless someone else could confirm what Sebastian was saying. So the gruff man grit his teeth and bore the abuse.

A month after being assigned with Detective Brinko, the pair was sent on a call about a possible college hazing at an abandoned construction site. It was a popular hangout for frat boys and druggies alike, and there were always calls coming in. Usually Sebastian was able to avoid having to go, but Brinko was determined to make his day Hell whenever the opportunity arose.

"Let's go, pretty boy." He huffed.

Sebastian followed the man with a scowl. He was going to be stuck in a car with that asshole for almost ten minutes, plus then he'd have to deal with him for however long the investigating took. He hoped it was a bunch of idiot college frat boys, because frat boys had a habit of taking a swing at him, and then their punk asses were fair game.

When Sebastian and Detective Brinko arrived on scene, Sebastian saw a sight that made his blood run cold. There were splatters of blood on the outer walls of a half-built building leaking to the ground. But even more noticeable than some of the splatters were the symbols drawn on the wall in blood. Symbols Sebastian had only seen in one other place: STEM. His chest tightened and he felt certain he would pass out, yet he followed Brinko forward.

"This is Detective Brinko," He said over the radio.

"I see signs of a struggle and some blood. You might want to send a bus to that construction site."

Brinko walked deeper in with no problem, but Sebastian shuffled his feet and was hyper aware of his surroundings. As the two detectives made their way deeper into the site, the smell of blood filled the air. Brinko crinkled his nose and groaned.

"Hoo boy... This isn't a college hazing. Hope you aren't squeamish _and_ queer."

Sebastian couldn't bring himself to make a coherent response. He stayed several feet behind Brinko and nervously gripped his coat. Images of monsters and mutilated bodies flashed before his eyes, almost vivid enough they blocked out the present. Brinko had come to a stop, and Sebastian bumped into him.

"The fuck Castellanos?" He snapped viciously.

"Don't touch me, I don't want to catch your diseases."

When Sebastian saw what made Brinko stop, he almost threw up. Three bodies, mutilated, were strung from the ceiling with barbed wire. Their skulls had been cracked open and pieces of brain had been removed. Their faces were frozen in expressions of utmost terror; eyes blown wide, jaws slack with tongues lolling out. Two of the bodies had their chests caved in and organs were spilling out and hanging like streamers. Not far from where the three bodies were hanging was a large surgical table with another body, also tied down with barbed wire. 

“Jesus, fuck me gently...” Brinko said in astonishment.

“This is something out of a survival horror game...”

He lifted the radio.

“Central... This isn’t some college hazing...”

A pitiful groan from the direction of the table made Sebastian’s knees shake.

“It's still alive..!” He croaked.

Brinko rushed over to the table to start cutting the person loose. Sebastian was frozen in place. This couldn’t be happening. Seeing Ruvik’s symbol, the bodies, the barbed wire. It was supposed to be over, it was supposed to have been a bad dream.

“Castellanos! Get the dick out of your ass and get over here!”

Sebastian moved to the table mechanically. The person strapped to it was unrecognizable. The face had been stripped of its skin, teeth pulled. The chest was carved like a Thanksgiving turkey, it was impossible to tell if the person was male or female based on the chest alone. The genitals were just as mutilated and unrecognizable. 

Bile rose in Sebastian’s throat and he turned away to be violently ill. He heard Brinko cursing but couldn’t focus on what he was saying. The ground rushed at Sebastian and he heard a sickening crack. He screwed his eyes shut and was sick again. It was a horrid feeling, he felt it get stuck in his nose and throat and he couldn’t breathe. It couldn’t be real... Not now. Not again. A cruel laughter filled his head and all other sounds faded out. He was fading away, his heart felt like it stopped.

Everything was... Still.

* * *

“Detective Castellanos? Detective Castellanos? You have a visitor.”

From somewhere far away, Sebastian heard a soft voice calling to him, rousing him from a deep slumber. He struggled to open his eyes and make sense of the feminine shape hovering protectively over him.

“Tatiana..?” 

“Thank you nurse, I’ll watch him from here.”

“Of course Detective Oda.”

The shape disappeared and Sebastian closed his eyes. Shortly after, he felt a soft hand caressing his cheek lovingly.

“Seb, you’re alright now.”

Sebastian opened his eyes again, and tried his hardest to focus them. His efforts paid off, and he saw Joseph smiling down at him.

“Heeey...”

He tried speaking with Joseph, but his throat was strangely raw. Joseph continued to stroke Sebastian’s cheek and trailed his hand up to play with his hair.

“You were unconscious for a long time. You passed out and grazed your head on a piece of rebar. Half an inch closer it would’ve gone through your skull.”

Joseph frowned at the thought.

“I’m glad you’re alright Sebastian... I heard from Brinko what happened. He said you freaked out and got sick everywhere.”

Sebastian scowled.

“Fucker...” He muttered. 

He tried to sit up in the hospital bed, but Joseph placed a gentle hand against his chest to hold him in place.

“Why don’t you rest up a couple more hours? Then we can go home, okay?”

* * *

Once Sebastian was released from the hospital, he went home and took a hot bath. He thought about getting a shower, but then decided that the less he had to stand the better. It was a bubble bath of all things, Joseph had unintentionally planted the idea in his head months ago when Sebastian accidentally walked in on him bathing. It had been awkward, but both men quickly put it past them, it wasn’t like they had never accidentally seen each other naked before. Locker room slip ups and unfortunate clothing malfunctions on pursuits could happen at any time. Joseph had been sitting in a cloud of bubbles at the time, and it looked rather comfortable.

Sebastian lowered himself into the hot, bubbly water and sighed in content. If felt nice to let the water soak into his tired muscles and ease the tension from earlier. There was no way of knowing just yet what lies Brinko was spreading, or maybe he didn’t even have to lie. Sebastian Castellanos, returning looney, passing out on the job after tossing his cookies and freezing because of a couple of bodies. 

A knocking at the door stirred Sebastian out of his thoughts.

"Seb? Are you going to be long?"

"Uh... I don't know..."

Sebastian hadn't considered how long he was going to be getting a bath, probably until the water turned cold.

"There something you need?"

"Yeah, my migraine pills are in the medicine cabinet."

Sebastian stared uncertainly at the cabinet for a moment.

"You can come in and get it I guess... I'm underwater."

Joseph opened the door slowly and walked to the medicine cabinet. Sebastian could tell he was trying not to look in his direction. He found himself blushing at the thought of Joseph being in the room, given the fact he was naked. Joseph was obviously distraught also, for he wore just as impressive a blush and dropped his medicine. An aggravated 'shit!' slipped out of him and he watched with a frown as they rolled towards the bathtub. The two shared a prolonged stare and neither seemed to be capable of looking away.

"Well... Come and get them?"

Sebastian carefully reached out of the tub and picked up the medicine. He held it out to Joseph, who slowly walked over and took them. His eyes flickered just briefly to Sebastian in the tub and he took a deep breath. 

"Is the water still warm?"

Sebastian nodded.

"May I join you?"

The request caught Sebastian off guard, and his face showed it. He instinctively drew his arms around himself and turned his head.

"Um... Okay, if you want."

Joseph walked over to the closet and pulled out a towel for him to dry off with. Sebastian watched him nervously from his spot in the bath tub and fidgeted. He wasn't sure how he felt about the prospect of being naked in a tub with Joseph, even though the two had been sharing beds, clothes, and kisses for a long time now. Joseph sat his glasses on the counter and started unbuttoning his shirt. He kept his back to Sebastian and neatly laid the shirt on the counter beside his glasses. When Sebastian heard the belt on Joseph's pants being undone, he twisted his hands nervously and looked away. The older man was suddenly self-conscious. He was reminded of the first time he was 'intimate' with Myra. 

Sebastian never heard the sound of Joseph's pants hitting the floor, no doubt he neatly folded them and placed them beside the shirt on the counter. 

"Joseph, ah... Could you grab a sponge or something before you climb in? I forgot to grab one."

The resulting chuckle from Joseph surprisingly calmed Sebastian's nerves and he smiled. Joseph reached into the bathroom closet and took out a washcloth for him and Sebastian. He walked over to the bath tub and tossed the washcloths onto Sebastian's head with a smirk. Sebastian responded by playfully splashing Joseph and scooting over in the tub to make room for his partner. He then closed his eyes until he heard Joseph climb into the tub with him and the water stopped moving. When Sebastian opened his eyes, Joseph was sitting across from him with an embarrassed look on his face. His knees were tucked against his chest and poked a couple inches out of the water. 

"This water is practically scalding!' He complained.

He shifted positions, which made him sink deeper into the water. His legs were alongside Sebastian's and the older man noticed how hairy his were compared to his partners. Sebastian also looked at Joseph's exposed chest and watched as his lithe muscles flexed when he dragged the washcloth across his skin.

"Didn't mean to burn ya..." Sebastian mumbled as he turned his head away.

His heart was racing having Joseph in the tub with him. The intimacy of the situation made Sebastian suddenly terrified. He had the sudden fear that something would happen to Joseph, and he would be unable to do anything, just like he had been unable to do anything when he lost Myra. Before Sebastian was fully aware of what he was doing, he reached out to Joseph and grabbed his hand. The action caught both men off guard and made them stare at each other for several long seconds.

"Seb..."

Joseph leaned towards Sebastian and caressed his cheek. A low grumble escaped Sebastian and he leaned into the hot skin touching him.

"My chest hurts Jojo..." He mumbled.

"I can't make sense of how I'm feeling. I love you, but sometimes I'm scared to. Not just because of people like Brinko, or because I'm afraid I'll lose you like Myra, I'm afraid that I only love you because it's convenient."

Sebastian made a disgruntled huff.

"Look, after everything that happened the past year, what if I just latched onto you because you were a constant? Or to replace something? Fuck! I don't... I don't... Fuck..."

Joseph slowly pulled his hands away from Sebastian and hid them under the water.

"Convenient? Seb, what about us is convenient? We both still have traumatic episodes. Sure, they've dropped down a bit, but didn't you just smack a razor blade out of my hand last week? And a couple days ago you came home smelling like you drank a liquor store and spent half the night screaming about carousels and mannequins."

Sebastian tried to say something, only for Joseph to peg him with a washcloth to shut him up.

"Whenever we go out in public, I see your eyes drifting to any attractive woman that's within your line of sight too long, and don't think I haven't noticed you not-so-discretely hiding a boner before. And I wasn't going to mention this, but since you mentioned how 'convenient' it is to be together: Meredith is trying to revoke my visitations with Jenny. She claimed that being exposed to a parent 'engaged in an unstable homo-erotic relationship' is bad for her well being. Now tell me, what about this is 'convenient' again?"

The water in the bathtub felt suddenly cold to Sebastian. He had fucked up and hurt Joseph, the tone of his voice made it obvious. Sebastian slowly extended his hand to Joseph in hopes of somehow making amends, but Joseph smacked it away each time it made it halfway. It was only after Sebastian crossed his arms guiltily Joseph sighed and scooted closer.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. I'm sure there were at least twelve different ways I could've said what I did. I know you didn't mean it how it sounded. I know you don't talk about your feelings, and that we're both confused as Hell. It's okay."

He threaded his fingers through Sebastian's hair and massaged his scalp. Sebastian leaned forward and tilted his head so Joseph could reach more and enjoyed the gentle feeling. With some gentle coaxing from Joseph, Sebastian turned around and allowed him to lather up his hair and wash it. When Joseph finished with Sebastian's hair, he moved onto his back and worked the suds deep into Sebastian's muscles. Sebastian returned the favour without being asked and the rest of the bath passed in silence. Joseph got out before Sebastian without a word, opting instead to run his fingers through Sebastian's hair a final time. Sebastian pushed aside his nervousness and watched Joseph towel off instead of turning his head. 

Joseph saw Sebastian watching him and made no effort to hide himself or leave before he was finished drying. Sebastian slowly looked over Joseph's body, taking note of a few small scars and hidden freckles. When he finally looked directly at Joseph's penis Sebastian didn't feel any sort of excitement. He supposed it was an average penis, not that he had many experiences with them to begin with. It was circumcised, like Sebastian's. It certainly wasn't as thick, but Sebastian guessed it might be as long. Joseph's pubic hair was also trimmed, although Sebastian wasn't surprised, Joseph did enjoy keeping everything about himself tidy so it would make sense his pubes wouldn't be an exception.

Joseph finally finished and wrapped the towel around his waist. He left the bathroom after grabbing his migraine medicine and paused halfway out the door.

"Seb, I think I'm going to take a nap. If you want to do anything you can wake me up in a couple hours, okay?"

Sebastian nodded and Joseph left the room. Sebastian sat in the tub for a little bit thinking about what he and Joseph said. It was true he was confused, and that his eyes drifted to women constantly. He shook his head and forced himself to climb out of the tub. He dried off quickly and put his clothes on while he was still damp. Joseph said he would be taking a nap, so Sebastian decided to go for a drive. He didn't have any particular destination in mind, and just drove around the neighborhood. Maybe he would wake Joseph up when he got home.


End file.
